I can’t tell if I’m more, less, or the same amount of suicidal as I was a week ago but I’m graduating on Friday and can finally cut off ties with 95% of people. Is it weird that that’s the thing I’m mostly excited about? I guess graduation hasn’t really sunk in yet. But, things:
- In drama we do senior tributes- everyone in the class says something about each senior- what they think of them, what they learned about them, first impressions whatever. I don’t like the idea of these because it turns into a contest to see who can get the most people from other classes for their tribute, who gets the most people to cry, whose takes the longest, and people say things like “well I didn’t get the chance to talk to you at all this year.” Bleh. But mine was last week and my best friend Tristan made it really special and meaningful and sad and wonderful.
- Every senior in advanced drama gets to paint a brick in the drama hallway. I finished mine on Thursday and I like it a lot.
So, the outside border has quotes from the shows I’ve done at my school, and the inside border has quotes from things I’ve written. Tight.
- Talking to a super cute girl who’s going to Cornell next year, hell ya.
- Also I unfollowed everyone who liked my depression posts instead of messaging me about them because fuck you.
- And you can’t just be like “wow maya I totally hope you get better” and then continue to do the things I’ve actually said have made me feel the exact opposite of better jfc but I digress
So I mean, there are totally lots of things I’m excited and happy about. I think people tend to misunderstand depression, or maybe it’s just different for different people, but I feel like I’ve moved on from “I feel sad” to “I feel nothing” which at first was really freeing. Like, yeah! I don’t have to have emotions anymore! But then I realized that I wasn’t not feeling, I was just ignoring feelings so the mental breakdowns over small things I had were just all the feelings I’d chosen not to feel for the last few months, and that’s a lot. I’m not sure what to do about that, but I should probably find out before I go to college…
thanks for caring, some of you